did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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