he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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