If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
