he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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