yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
