im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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