New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
