The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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