Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
