3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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