When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I need a burrito and a hug.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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