Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
