babies were throwing up all over the place
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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