Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
