i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
They are going to name an STD after you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
