I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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