Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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