This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
