where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
