just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
