I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
