good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
