Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
