mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
