there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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