3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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