The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
