I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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