u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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