I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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