I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
