Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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