I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
