I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
