That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
