I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
