i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
