AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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