highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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