I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
