I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
