I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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