I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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