dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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