I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
