You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
