so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
