Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
