I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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