Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
