I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
